


Trade Mistakes

by orphan_account



Category: Big Time Rush RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, slight physical abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-19
Updated: 2011-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-06 10:52:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wants to run up to Carlos and throw his arms around him, whisper apologies into his ear and wipe away the tears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trade Mistakes

For all Kendall is calm and laidback, it’s not how every aspect of his life goes. He’s human, after all. He messes up, makes mistakes, some worse than others. It’s not something he’s especially proud of, and it’s a part of why he’s so hesitant when it comes to relationships, and even friendships.

He keeps James and Logan at an arm's length, close, but not too close, and it works for them.

Sometimes he still can’t believe Dustin has been his friend for so long. He’s done some fucked up shit to him in the past, but somehow Dustin always forgave him and they hashed it out with a jam session, and a new song would be written.

He knows it’s not going to be that easy with Carlos. And it makes him hate himself even more. Carlos shouldn’t have to deal with him, with the way he pushes people away when they get too close.

It’s made the tension on set almost unbearable, and though Carlos smiles and laughs, it’s easy to see how hurt he is. He wants to run up to Carlos and throw his arms around him, whisper apologies into his ear and wipe away the tears that will inevitably fall, but he can’t because this is a cycle that just keeps going and going and he’s surprised Carlos put up with it for so long.

Kendall’s not quite sure what happened exactly; it’s all a bit fuzzy in his head. He remembers showing up at the house Carlos just bought, greeting him with a kiss and following him to the stack of boxes that needed to be unpacked. He was off-handedly joking when he asked why all those bedrooms were needed, and Carlos responded with a laugh, saying how he needed all that space for his other suitors. Kendall knew he was joking, but that didn’t stop the sudden anger he felt.

He remembers spouting out irrational accusations while Carlos stood there dumbfounded. That didn’t sit well with him. He wanted Carlos to yell back, tell him he was wrong, but when Carlos didn’t say anything, it only made him angrier.

He went way too far, stepping up to Carlos and pushing him hard. He regretted it instantly as Carlos stumbled backwards, trying to stay upright. Apologies immediately made their way out, but it was too late. Carlos was already shaking his head, telling him that he needed to leave.

Of all the times Kendall had gotten upset with Carlos, he had never laid a hand on him, and now that he has, it makes him sick to his stomach, makes him feel like such a fucking monster.

He tries to pretend like none of it ever happened, the numerous arguments, the relationship, all of it. He pretends they’re just coworkers to lessen the hurt and anger he feels, but it does nothing. If anything, it makes everything he feels that much worse, to know he had something so good and he screwed it up.

He goes to Dustin for advice, but Dustin is less than helpful. Dustin hands him a beer and a guitar instead, disappearing from sight. Dustin knows there’s not much he can do but let Kendall figure it out on his own.

Kendall drinks and plays, every thought focused on Carlos and before he knows it, he’s setting the guitar to the side and pulling his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and sobbing.

Things don’t get much better after that. He takes to spending his downtime alone or with Kevin or Kenneth, when they’re not busy doing their own thing. James and Logan seem to be spending all their time with Carlos, and Kendall’s okay with that. If he was them, he’d do the same thing.

He keeps expecting things to get better, but they don’t. It seems to get even worse when they’re crammed into the confines of the bus, barreling across state lines.

Everywhere he turns, Carlos is there, smile in place. Kendall has started to wonder if it’s finally a real smile, not the mask Carlos has been wearing for months now.

He’s glad he’s got Dustin there to help ease the tension. James and Logan are talking to him, sure, but they spend a lot more of their time with Carlos.

It’s harder at night when he can hear the quiet snoring from Carlos’ bunk, and he’d easily admit that the sound helps lull him to sleep. It makes him itch to touch, having Carlos so close, yet still so far away. His own bunk feels so cold and too big, remembering the first time they were on a bus and Carlos squeezed into his bunk each night, nose pressed into the crook of his neck as they drifted off to sleep.

He has to restrain himself from climbing out of his bunk and sliding into Carlos’, resigning himself to counting the tiny snores he hears instead.

Every night on stage, he can’t stop his eyes from drifting to Carlos. Carlos is so spot-on, energy thrumming through him and he looks happier than he has in months. Kendall realizes then that he may have lost his chance to be with Carlos again.

It feels like a knife to his heart, but then he remembers it’s his fault to begin with. Carlos is just moving on, something he himself should be doing, but he can’t. Not yet.

He feels like such a dead weight up on stage, but occasionally he’ll let himself get lost in the music and remember what he’s there for, and it’s like everything is right in the world. Up until they get off stage and everything comes rushing back.

It’s hard to believe he and Carlos have barely said a word to each other, aside from when they’re required to for filming, and it’s sad that Kendall craves those moments far more than anything.

The tour comes to a close and it’s a bittersweet feeling. When he wasn’t stuck in an emotional rut, he lived for being on the stage, watching as hundreds and thousands of people sang back at him.

They have a week-long vacation before they return to filming, and Kendall resigns himself to staying in his apartment and sleeping away each day.

He makes it past the first day, and in the middle of the afternoon on the second day, he wakes up to incessant pounding on his apartment door. He really doesn’t want to get out of bed, comfortable under the heap of blankets, but the knocking doesn’t go away; it seems to get louder and more urgent.

With a frustrated sigh, Kendall untangles himself from his blankets and stomps down the hall to the door, ripping it open with an irritated glare on his face.

James is standing there, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, his hand poised to knock again.

Kendall steps back with a sigh, running a hand through his hair before motioning for James to come in.

They sit in silence in the living room, Kendall staring at the blank tv screen, James staring at Kendall.

“Are you just going to stare at me all day, or is there a reason for you being here?” Kendall doesn’t mean to sound like such a dick, but he’s so emotionally exhausted.

“Don’t be such a dick, dude. I’m here for Carlos, not because I want to be. Quite frankly, I’m still a little upset with you,” James says, his eyes never leaving Kendall.

Kendall’s heart speeds up at the mere mention of Carlos, and he finds himself waiting with bated breath for James to continue.

“He told me everything that happened. He actually told me right after it happened, and you’re lucky I didn’t punch you.”

“I wanted to punch myself, believe me,” Kendall says, dropping his head to his hands.

“The scary part is, Carlos still loves you, man.” James’ voice reads clear disbelief, like he doesn’t understand why Carlos would willingly want to be with Kendall after everything he’s done.

“He doesn’t even know I’m here. He’ll probably be pissed when he finds out, but this tension between you two, Logan and I can’t deal with it anymore. It’s hard for us, watching you two being so distant with each other.”

“I know. I screwed up, and I don’t deserve Carlos, but I really do love him, and I don’t know why, I just. I keep pushing him away and I do and say horrible things to him and I’m such a fucking screw up, James.”

“You need to talk to him, Kendall. Not saying anything isn’t going to make it better,” James says softly. He’s not used to seeing Kendall so torn up about anything. He’s so used to Kendall’s calm and laidback attitude, and he’s not quite sure what to do. “Just talk to him, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I will,” Kendall replies, his nerves already getting the best of him.

James leaves not long after that, something about meeting up with Logan to go surfing. Kendall suspects something’s going on between the two of them, but it’s not his place to pry.

He returns to his bed, burying himself back under the covers and letting James’ words replay in his head.

Carlos still loves you.

It makes his breath hitch. He was so sure Carlos was moving on, but knowing Carlos is still in love with him, it’s a driving force to make himself a better person. He needs Carlos in his life, but he knows that the same thing will continue happening unless he changes.

And the thing is, he’s not quite sure how to do that. Every time someone gets too close, he ends up doing something to push them away, and with the exception of Dustin, no one has ever stuck around. Whenever he gets that way with Dustin now, Dustin’s quick to call him on his shit and put a stop to the argument Kendall’s looking for.

He doesn’t want Carlos to have to do that, though. He wants to be able to enjoy his time with Carlos, to joke around with him and not have to pick a fight because his brain is too stupid to let him be happy.

He wants and wants and wants, and his heart fucking hurts because he needs to make this right.

Three days later, Kendall’s pacing nervously back and forth between his car and the front door to Carlos’ house. He’s mentally prepared a speech, but he knows the chances of actually saying everything he wants will go to hell the moment he opens his mouth.

He turns, startled when he hears the door open. Carlos is standing there, an amused look on his face.

“Are you gonna come in anytime soon?”

“I-uh-yeah,” Kendall finally gets out, steeling his nerves and walking up the path to the door, following Carlos inside.

The tension is still there, even worse since this is where it all began. Or ended. Both, really.

“So, what’s up?” Carlos asks, leading them to the living room.

Kendall takes a minute to let his eyes roam, taking in the way everything is. The last time he was there, everything was still in boxes, wrapped up and waiting to be put in their proper place.

“You’ve got a nice place.” If he could, Kendall would physically slap himself for saying something so stupid. He settles for rolling his eyes at himself, along with the stream of silent curse words that run through his head.

“Thanks,” Carlos replies easily, dropping down onto the sofa and reclining his seat.

Kendall stands awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

“Carlos,” he says softly, waiting. For what, he’s not sure.

“Kendall,” Carlos says, quirking an eyebrow up in question.

“So, I’m an asshole. And I really don’t deserve anyone like you, especially not after everything I’ve put you through. I just…every time I have a good thing, I manage to destroy it somehow. I’ve never allowed myself to get as close to someone as I’ve gotten with you, and every time I realize that, it’s like my brain is hardwired to fuck it up. Even Dustin, but he finally stopped taking my shit and started throwing it right back at me. And I don’t expect you to do that; I really don’t expect you to do anything. You deserved an apology and some kind of explanation.” Kendall exhales sharply when he finishes, feeling minutely better after speaking.

“I’m not gonna lie, Kendall. I don’t know what’s worse; the fact that you said all that shit to me, or the fact that you pushed me and then ignored me for, I don’t know, how long has it been? Months. An apology would’ve been nice months ago, Kendall.” Carlos’ voice has grown sad, his eyebrows knit together in frustration.

“I know I should’ve and it was stupid of me not to, stupid of me to pretend like none of it ever happened. It was a mistake, a huge mistake, and I’m so sorry for it.”

“Sorry doesn’t fix everything, Kendall. Even though I wish it did,” Carlos says sadly, turning his head away.

“I don’t understand. W-what are you saying?”

Carlos turns back to Kendall and his eyes are red and watery, tears pooling in the corner. “I accept your apology, but you and I. We can’t be together, not now.”

Kendall feels like his heart has been ripped out and stepped on by a stampede of elephants. “Y-you don’t mean that, Carlos. Please say you don’t mean it.”

Carlos stands and walks over to where Kendall’s standing, reaching for his hand and lacing their fingers together. “I’m sorry, Kendall. I love you, I really do, but it’s gonna take time.”

Kendall rips his hand from Carlos’, stepping backwards and shaking his head in disbelief.

“I need…I have to go,” Kendall says around the lump in his throat. He trips over his feet in his haste to get to the door, ripping it open and running out to his car. He doesn’t hear Carlos yelling for him to come back, doesn’t hear anything over the sound of his heart breaking.

He allows the sound of the stereo in his car to drown out the sobs he’s stifling as he pulls away, feeling worse now than he’s ever remembered feeling.

_‘If I could trade mistakes,’_ he thinks sadly to himself.

If only he could.

\--

After leaving Carlos’ house, Kendall drives around aimlessly, doing his best to keep the tears at bay. It was foolish of him to think that apologizing would automatically fix everything and Carlos would be back in his arms; it’s just that when James had said Carlos was still in love with him, he mistook it for meaning Carlos was ready to be with him again, and he has no one to blame but himself for that mix-up.

He follows the curves of the road, turning here, going straight there, taking that exit, and when he finally notices where he is, he can’t help but punch the steering wheel repeatedly. He’s right back in front of Carlos’ house, and he’s sure whatever Supreme Being is up there is laughing at his expense.

He pulls to the curb and puts the car in park, dropping his head to the steering wheel as he finally lets the tears fall.

The vibration of his phone against his leg startles him slightly, and he reaches into his pocket to pull it out, groaning as he reads the message displayed.

‘jam sesh. get your ass over here –dbelt’

He’s probably right in assuming that Carlos called Dustin the moment he left, and he’s grateful for Dustin wanting to cheer him up, he just isn’t in the mood to be around people.

He’d rather spend what’s left of his vacation in bed feeling miserable for himself.

Despite his reluctance to do so, Kendall pulls away from the curb and let’s himself drive the route to Dustin’s apartment.

He’s not sure what to expect when he gets there. Sure, Dustin has helped him through previous break ups, but none were ever as serious as Carlos. He doesn’t want sympathy or to talk about it. Really, he just wants to sit alone at home, playing every song he knows until his fingers bleed and that pain takes over the pain in his heart.

But, as the Stones said, you can’t always get what you want.

He pulls into the parking lot of Dustin’s apartment complex and shuts off his car, rubbing at his eyes that are undoubtedly bloodshot before climbing out and making his way into the building.

The door to Dustin’s apartment is always unlocked when he’s home, and though he knows it’s not necessary, Kendall always knocks before entering. It never fails to irritate Dustin, and that’s partly why he does it. Mostly, though, it’s because it’s the polite thing to do.

Dustin’s sitting in the living room, flipping through the channels as though he had no idea Kendall was coming over. It’s a little irritating to Kendall because if this is all they’re going to do, he could’ve gone home and moped like he wanted, still wants, to.

“You okay?” Dustin asks as he looks up from the TV and settles his eyes on Kendall.

Kendall scoffs at the question and he’s seriously debating walking out the door. He gets that Dustin’s simply doing his job as a best friend, but he doesn’t want to talk about it, not when he’s barely gotten over hearing the words in the first place.

“Right, stupid question,” Dustin says, tossing the remote to the side.

Kendall shrugs, not much in the mood for talking just yet.

Dustin rises from the sofa and disappears into the kitchen, returning with a six-pack of beer, and yeah, Kendall can totally get behind this. Dustin heads down the hall and Kendall follows, entering their makeshift studio.

It feels like a homecoming of sorts every time he enters the room. There’s sheet music everywhere, most blank, some with notes and lyrics scribbled across them. There are two new songs pinned on the wall, half-finished from before they left for tour. Beside them, pages of Quiet Please and Stand Forever are there, too, old and worn, and Kendall feels the itch to play them as his eyes scan over the pages.

Dustin sits on the beanbag in the corner, placing the beer on the floor halfway between him and Kendall, reaching for his guitar. Kendall grabs the spare guitar that stays with Dustin, dropping down on the floor across from him.

Kendall tunes the guitar quickly, playing a few chords before throwing himself into Quiet Please, humming under his breath. He hears Dustin join moments later, and he allows himself to get lost in the strum of the guitar and the way his fingers feel against the strings.

He tries not to let himself focus on the lyrics, but it’s an automatic reaction, singing while he plays.

“Eventually we will come back to each other, but for now we’re just not right,” he sings, and how fucking fitting is that? A song he had a hand in writing years ago, mocking his current predicament. He quickly stops playing as the lyrics resonate in his head until it’s Carlos’ voice he hears saying those words.

He’s less than gentle when he throws his guitar to the side, reaching forward to grab a bottle of beer, twisting off the cap and gulping it down.

Dustin wants to warn him, tell him to slow down, take it easy, but he lets Kendall do his thing, not wanting to spark an unnecessary argument. He continues strumming his guitar instead, playing whatever songs come to mind as he watches the emotions change on Kendall’s face.

Kendall can’t stop thinking about Carlos, about all the stupid arguments they’ve had, none of which were Carlos’ fault.

Their first argument was over something so stupid, Kendall getting more upset than he should have. Carlos had simply forgotten to put the cover back on the toothpaste in his sleepy state, and Kendall blew it out of proportion. It ended with Carlos leaving at three in the morning and Kendall feeling like an ass.

He didn’t get any sleep that night, and the next morning, he apologized profusely, long after Carlos had forgiven him.

Everything they argued over was stupid and unnecessary, Kendall picking a fight over whatever he could, Carlos forgiving him the next day after a round of apologies murmured through kisses.

He hates himself for treating Carlos like that, especially when Carlos has done nothing but love and forgive him, time and time again.

After his fourth beer in less than two hours, Dustin cuts him off, pulling him out to the living room and pushing him down onto the sofa, telling him to sleep it off before he drives home.

Kendall’s grateful to have Dustin as his best friend, especially now when seemingly no one else wants to be.

The buzz of the alcohol has clouded his mind, all thoughts of Carlos pushed to the side as he drifts off to sleep easier than he has in months, exhaustion weighing heavily on him.

He’s not ready to go back to filming, hasn’t talked to Carlos since he left his house the previous week, and his stomach is in knots.

They have a table read for the first episode of season three, and he’s thankful for all the other people that will act as a buffer between them.

He’s not quite sure how he feels about the situation, but he does understand where Carlos is coming from. If he was in Carlos’s shoes, he’d probably feel the same way.

The realization dawns on him then. If they have to start over, go back to the beginning and start fresh as friends, he’ll do it. He knows it’ll be hard to be near Carlos and not be able to touch and hold him like he’s used to, but if that’s what it takes to show Carlos he can change and be a better man, he’ll do it.

He needs Carlos more than he’s ever realized, and he’ll do whatever it takes to have him back in his life, one way or another.

He won’t give up; not yet, not ever.


End file.
